C.G.

Foto by: Micha Bar-Am

At the desk there is one photo shot by Micha Bar-Am. The photo is taken during a Wartime. Every day, I look at the face of this woman who probably had just given a war speech, and I wonder what she was thinking having that cigarette.
I never really searched who she is. I kept this photo close to me because I liked the look of that woman, the overall feeling of the photo.

Till one day a friend who came home and saw the photo told me: Why do you keep a photo of the "Iron Lady" Golda M. at your desk?

Monday, March 15:

Like every Monday, once again I have received an email from C.G. He always cares, he always asks first how I am doing and then he shares personal or generic news from my country together with some song lyrics. Today he sent me some lyrics from the Rolling Stone song Paint it Black together with some words he recently read in a newspaper article.

I guess he thought I should read them carefully -

The Greek poet Kiki Dimoula, whose raw poetry in its personal tone has been clearly an ally to me these past months mentioned in the article interview C.G. sent:

it was never easy to communicate with others.
neither could i understand why others are so different than me.
Obviously that was very naive from my end, but also very useful.
Because it had me in a constant anxiety, in a continuous argument, and in a very mature sorrow...
On the other hand, I had a kindness, that completely destroyed me!
It kind of blocked my life many times from taking its own course.
I waited and suffered things that I shouldnt have suffered, with the reasoning of the kindness that I would bitter, I would make others suffer.That was a failure.
A clear failure.....

Somehow I can connect to her words.
A clear failure....a feeling of being in a constant battle with yourself trying to stop having the same kindness, and wait and suffer in those situations that you know will destroy you again and again.

And realizing that you failed once again. You were too kind.You lost the battle from your own self. You betrayed your own self.

A difficult type of betrayal and failure to recover from. One, that makes you suffer a lot and maybe makes the ones who love you also suffer.

But maybe a needed battle, a needed betrayal, a needed FAILURE to keep the life story STRONG. Maybe this kindness doesnt block the life course but it signals its REBIRTH -

It just haunted me writing this post.
I know why I have this photo at my desk and I am looking at it every day!Because, it reminds me of the look C.G. has when he smokes! With that calm mature thoughtful sorrow that never drifts away from his face.I always used to wonder what he was thinking having his cigarette.

Mpampa se agapaw poly. I am sorry for every time that I have betrayed my own self,waited and suffered things causing maybe also sorrow to you. Do you still have that sticker I gave you and Mom when I was 11 years old?We were all together for summer vacation at Aunts' house in Aidipsos......

- D.X.G.